Wondering
by cal40241
Summary: The monster in me wants her. The human in me loves her. I know what needs to be done.
1. Leaving

Disclaimer: What, you think I'm genius enough to come up with a guy like Edward?

_I'll just stay for a little while. _I try to rationalize my actions to myself, telling my brain and my heart that I'm only here for her safety. Or for my thirst. The monster in me wants her, but so does the human buried deep within the predator.

_I just want to know her. I just want to see her unguarded, just his once. _I make these feeble promises to myself, all the while trying to keep the monster at bay.

I scale the wall of Chief Swan's house and slide the window swiftly open. It sticks a bit from being closed for so long, but it doesn't slow me down. I get through the window, and despite my mental preparations, the monster in me begs for her blood.

I try sitting as far from her as possible, in an old rocking chair that could only be a family heirloom. I settle in for a night of watching. Of listening. A night of _her_.

As is sit, I begin thinking about all the human boys who are just so infatuated with her. She doesn't know her own power. The monster in me knows that any one of those immature suitors would be immensely better for her than I would, but the human in me just wants to hold her forever. The monster tells me to either get on with the kill or leave her before I do any more damage. But the human in me is filled with a jealous rage at the mere thought of someone like Mike Newton spending forever with someone like Bella. I certainly don't deserve her, but neither do they.

My mind knows that I should leave her. It knows what Alice has seen. I'll kill her regardless. Either her body perishes or her soul does. And I refuse to be responsible for this beautiful woman's demise. The monster in me wants her, and so does the human in me. My mind is the only part of me that is thinking clearly, thinking about her best interests.

As I sit, battling with what I know is right and what I know I want, Bella begins to stir. I freeze, praying she won't wake up.

"Edward." She speaks my name so clearly, and I'm positive that she's awake. I wonder briefly why she's not more terrified to find that mysterious and reclusive boy from her biology class sitting in her rocking chair, but then she just rolls over and sighs, as if she wishes for nothing but me.

In that moment, I know what needs to be done. I know that even though the monster in me wants her and that the human in my loves her, I must go. My mind knows that I can't just go on pretending that she doesn't exist or acting like she doesn't hold the appeal that she does. I know that even though I love her more than anything else, and that she is probably the only thing in the world that could ever make me truly happy and complete, I must leave. As painful as it is to think of her being with Mike Newton or someone, anyone else, I know that I can't take her life away. I can't kill her. I love her, so I have to leave her before I get the chance to hurt her. I have to leave her life to fate, and stop putting her in danger.

I take a ragged breath, debate touching her in a final goodbye, and flit out the window before Bella could ever know what has taken place.

I begin to run, faster than I ever have before, desperate to escape the monster in me who longs to kill her and frantic to outrun the human in me who only would have hurt her anyway.


	2. I'm Happy Really

Disclaimer: Still not a genius, meaning I still don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: Still not a genius, meaning I still don't own Twilight.

I'm happy. Really, I am. I have a husband with whom I am madly in love with, and the most beautiful baby girl I could possible imagine. I have a small but nice home, I have a job, I have my books. There's absolutely no reason at all for me to be feeling like this.

I love Jacob more than anything and everything else in the world combined. He's given me so many things that I never even knew I wanted. Living in La Push wasn't always what I'd had in mind, but I have a life here now, and I've carved my place in the world. It's a small place, but it's all mine.

Jacob and I have been together for nearly twelve years, ever since the summer after my junior year of high school. He'd grown out of his awkward adolescence and into the kind of guy that I knew was meant for me. He was strong, understanding, he made me laugh, and best of all, he loved me. I always felt like I knew Jacob inside and out. With Jacob, there were no surprises. With Jacob, I was safe.

True to my mother's wishes, we waited to get married until after we had graduated Washington State, and on my thirtieth birthday, I became Isabella Marie Black. It just feels like it was all meant to be.

But through all of our happy years together, through all the memories, the warm touches, the intimate kisses, I've been wondering something. It's really stupid, because it's been almost thirteen years, and I never saw him again. But every time I see my husband, I'm forced to wonder about that boy in my biology class so many years ago. I always think about what may have been, if he and his family hadn't left town so abruptly. I know we would have had _something_. Even after all this time, I remember the look he had in his eyes the first time he saw me, the way he saved me from being crushed by Tyler Crowley's van. I never told anyone about that. I kept my promise to him, even though he didn't extend me the same courtesy.

I'm happy. I have an amazing life, a healthy daughter, and I'm crazy in love with my husband. But sometimes, on those rare sunny days, I think about the boy who saved my life. I know I could have loved him, maybe as much as I love Jacob. Maybe more. I'm happy, but that doesn't stop me from wondering what happened to that beautiful, mysterious boy who will always own a piece of my heart.


End file.
